You can leave a toxic relationship with no money. The route is: make a safety plan, find a free place to stay, call a free helpline, learn your legal rights, build small savings quietly, then leave and cut contact. Do these in the right order. If your partner is violent, skip the “save for months” part and go to the safety section first, because leaving is the riskiest time.
This guide is written for Nigerian and African readers. It covers dating, live-in and married partners, and it does not assume you have a bank balance, a lawyer or a spare room waiting.
Toxic or abusive? Why it matters before you plan
The two are not the same, and the difference changes how you leave. A toxic relationship drains you. An abusive one controls or harms you. If there is any fear of violence, treat it as abuse and plan for safety first.
Signs of a toxic relationship
- You feel anxious, small or exhausted most days.
- Your partner sulks, mocks or keeps score instead of talking.
- You give a lot and get little back.
- Every disagreement turns into your fault.
- You no longer recognise yourself.
If some of this sounds familiar, our piece on signs you are in the wrong relationship can help you name what is happening.
Signs of abuse, including financial abuse and forced isolation
- Hitting, pushing, choking or threats of harm.
- Controlling your phone, your movements or who you see.
- Cutting you off from family and friends.
- Taking your salary, hiding household money or stopping you from working.
- Making you beg for transport fare or food.
Nigeria’s Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act 2015 defines about 26 offences, including spousal battery, forced isolation and economic abuse. So these are not “just how some men or women are”. Many are legal offences.
Step 1: Make a safety plan first
Risk often rises at the point of separation, according to MyTherapist Nigeria. That is why the plan comes before the exit, not after.
A safety plan can include a safe place to stay, gathering IDs and financial documents, and a way to leave quickly, as Pulse.ng explains.
Documents, phone and digital safety
You do not need cash for this part.
- Know where your ID, birth certificate, certificates, SIM registration details and bank details are. Keep copies with someone you trust if you can.
- Check whether your phone shares your location, and whether a shared cloud account backs up your photos and messages. MyTherapist Nigeria lists both as things to check.
- If your partner controls or reads your phone, use a trusted friend’s phone to call for help.
- Note incidents with dates and details somewhere your partner cannot see. A record helps later with police, courts and counsellors, a step also stressed by Psychology Today.
Pick a trusted person and a code word
Choose one person who will answer at any hour. Agree a code word. When you send it, they know to call you, come for you or contact help. Keep it simple and never write it where your partner will see it.
When not to wait and save
Much generic advice says to save for months before you go. If there is violence, threats or stalking, that can be dangerous advice. If you are in immediate danger, call 112, the emergency number listed by MyTherapist Nigeria. Money can be solved after you are safe.
Step 2: Find a free place to go
Where to sleep is usually the biggest fear. Plan this before anything else.
Family, friends, church or mosque
A short stay with a relative or friend is the most common route. Be clear that it is temporary, name an end date, and offer to help with chores. Some families will push you to endure it. We cover that below. If family is not safe, try a trusted religious leader, an older colleague or a friend’s friend. Advice pieces on leaving with little money, such as LoveStrategies, also point to short-term support from family or friends and to shelters.
Our guide on 6 people to talk to when you feel worried about your relationship can help you decide who to trust first.
NGOs and state agencies that offer shelter
Shelter availability varies by state and changes often, so ask when you call. Start with the helplines in the next section and ask directly: “Do you have a safe place, or can you refer me to one?” The Survivor Support Services directory is a useful list of services. Also note that hotlines usually refer you to resources rather than hand out cash. The US National Domestic Violence Hotline says it does not give direct financial help, so ask each Nigerian service exactly what it offers.
Step 3: Get free help (hotlines and counselling)
Calling costs nothing on toll-free lines, and you do not have to be ready to leave. You can ask questions and hang up.
Verified Nigerian helplines
| Service | Number | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Emergency | 112 | For immediate danger |
| Safe Place Nigeria (She Writes Woman) | 0800 800 2000 | Toll-free, 24/7. Counselling and referrals to free tele-therapy (source) |
| Federal Government line for violations against girls and women | 0800 72 73 2255 | Toll-free (source) |
| WARIF | +234 809 210 0009 | 24-hour helpline (same source) |
| Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Agency | 0800-033-3333 | Listed differently elsewhere as 0 8000-333-333 or *6820# (Find a Helpline). Try both if one fails |
Last checked: numbers are compiled from the sources linked above and should be confirmed by calling before you rely on them. Sources disagree on some numbers, so we have left out the Women’s Safe House line until it is confirmed. A broader list is on Find a Helpline.
If you are a man in this situation, these services can still be a starting point to ask for referrals. Ask each one what it offers for men.
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Step 4: Know your legal rights
The law can protect you even if you are not married and even if you have no lawyer yet.
VAPP Act and Lagos law in plain English
The VAPP Act applies only to the Federal Capital Territory unless a state adopts it, according to Cornell’s Gender Justice resource_act). Sources disagree on how many states have adopted it, so ask a legal aid body or the police gender desk what applies in your state.
Lagos has its own law. Under Section 2(1), anyone who is or has been in a domestic relationship with the respondent can seek a protection order, per Legal500. That wording matters if you are dating or living together, not married.
How a protection order works, and how to get one for free
A protection order can restrict contact and remove the abuser from the home, according to Safe Haven Foundation. Courts may grant interim orders, says AWJAI. Under the VAPP Act, a granted order is effective throughout Nigeria and no time limit applies to applying, per a US Department of Justice country report.
I could not verify a single free route that works in every state, so here is what to do:
- Call one of the helplines above and ask for free legal aid or a referral to a lawyer or NGO that handles protection orders.
- Ask the same service whether it can accompany you to court or the police.
- Keep your incident record and any medical report with you.
Have a lawyer or counsellor confirm the details for your state before you act.
Step 5: Build money quietly
The goal is not wealth. It is a small cushion for transport, food and a phone, so you are not forced back.
Small income, selling items, cooperative savings
- Earn something. Advice pages suggest a part-time job or side hustle, with about 20 hours a week mentioned by Clever Girl Finance. See our ideas on earning extra money without quitting your job and making money online in Nigeria without paying to start.
- Sell what you do not need. The same source suggests selling unneeded items and setting a budget. Things that belong to you, like spare clothes, are safer to sell than shared property.
- Use a trusted savings circle. Ajo or esusu groups and cooperatives are common in Nigeria. I have not researched their terms here, so ask carefully, and only use a group run by someone you trust who is not connected to your partner.
Be careful with online money offers. Never pay a fee to “start” earning.
Opening an account only you control
A separate account only you can access is a common recommendation, including from FinanceBuzz. Choose an app or bank where statements and alerts go to a number or email your partner cannot see. If your partner checks your phone, keep money with your trusted person instead.
Step 6: Leave and cut contact
Pick a day when your partner is out or when you can leave without a confrontation. Take documents, your phone and charger, any medicines and a few days of clothes. Tell only your trusted person your plan.
After you leave, go no-contact where you can. Block numbers, mute social accounts and ask mutual friends not to pass on messages. Psychology Today lists planning the exit and going no-contact among its key steps.
Handling children, family pressure and guilt
If you have children, take them with you if it is safe and you can. Tell the helpline you have children so they can advise on shelter and legal options. Do not leave the children as a bargaining tool.
If family says “endure it”, you are allowed to say: “I am not asking for permission. I am asking for a bed for two weeks.” Bride price and church or mosque expectations are real pressures, but none of them require you to stay where you are being harmed. If you can, bring in one respected elder or counsellor who will take your side.
Feeling guilty does not mean you are wrong. It usually means you were taught to put others first.
Staying firm when the person tries to win you back
Expect apologies, gifts, tears, promises to change, and sometimes threats. Decide beforehand what you will do. Some people write down three reasons they left and read them when tempted. If contact is unavoidable, keep messages short and factual. Our guide to breaking silence in a relationship is for healthy relationships, so do not use it as a reason to re-open a harmful one.
After you leave: heal and stay stable
The first weeks can feel strange, even lonely. That is normal.
- Keep a simple routine: sleep, meals, a short walk.
- Take free counselling. Safe Place Nigeria refers to free tele-therapy.
- Rebuild friendships you lost.
- Wait before dating. Our piece on relationship anxiety and rebounds explains why.
- Keep adding to your savings, even a small amount weekly.
If you feel hopeless or think of harming yourself, call a helpline right away, such as Safe Place Nigeria on 0800 800 2000.
How to help a friend who wants out
- Listen without judging. Do not say “just leave”.
- Ask what they need: a bed, transport, a phone call.
- Help them build a safety plan, as Pulse.ng describes.
- Offer to hold copies of documents.
- Do not confront the partner. It can raise the danger.
Share the helpline numbers above and let them decide the pace.
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Frequently asked questions
Where can I stay if I leave with no money in Nigeria?
Start with a relative, friend or trusted religious leader for a short, defined stay. Then call a helpline such as Safe Place Nigeria on 0800 800 2000 and ask about shelter or referrals. Availability varies by state, so ask directly.
Can I get a protection order without paying a lawyer?
Protection orders exist under the VAPP Act and Lagos law, and they can restrict contact or remove an abuser from the home. Ask a helpline for free legal aid or an NGO referral. Confirm which law applies in your state.
Is it safe to save money for months before I leave?
Not always. If there is violence, threats or stalking, waiting can raise your risk, because danger often increases at separation. Make a safety plan first and call a helpline. If you are in immediate danger, call 112.
What if we are not married or we have children?
Lagos law lets anyone in a current or past domestic relationship seek a protection order, so marriage is not required there. Tell the helpline about your children so they can advise on shelter and legal steps.
